Ambivalence, otherwise known as angst and shame over the choices I have made, leaves me wanting to choose sides. One day, I think I "should" have married and had kids. The next day I think "No, I chose the only thing I could and lived the life of a single woman, free, adventurous....." Then I sink into despair because I really didn't live the that version of a single woman's life. I feel as if I have lived a dead life. What did I do that was really amazing? It is sad that I could only see these two options.
Where do I go from here? The answer, I am coming to realize, is no where. I stay right here. Nothing will ease this pain except living in the middle-reality of my story. Where else can I go? Anywhere else would be a fraud, running from myself. But if I start looking at my story from this place, right in the middle of the pain and ambivalence, then I am living fully in my story.
Of course, doing this will involve taking a closer look at my shame. This process will require a little help from friends. One "friend" being Dan Allender's To Be Told (there is a great workbook that goes with it) and the other(s) being the groups of women friends that I cherish.....
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