So here I am today struggling to move through the ugliness of my shame and the choices I have made because of it. I feel, quite literally, like I am tripping and stumbling around trying to pick up the pieces. No wonder I feel so clumsy and inept, shame coils around me like barbed tentacles. I feel frantic about this process. How do I cut away the coils so that I can rescue myself out of this pain?
Okay, here is the point of reckoning, literally and figuratively. This is where the snipping away begins. I cannot rescue myself out of this pain. I have to go through it and feel it. I have to do what they are telling me is necessary in Emotions Anonymous. Admit I am powerless over my emotions and make a fearless moral inventory. I LOATHE THE THOUGHT OF THAT!!!
My prayer today is for strength to be able to do more than just push furniture around or write down empty, poetic words. I look at the cover of my journal. I wrote the words on here about two years ago. As I read over them, I realize that God knew what this journey would be back then, when I could not have imagined what "picking up the pieces" would mean in my life.
The words on the front of the journal read: "I am sitting here at Fiddler's Dream feeling very sad, listening to the songs and singers that make me long to be loved. The words that come to me are 'Pick up the pieces'. After I say them in my head, I realize that I am the fragmented woman I have been studying and writing about. That is so painful.....I wonder what....."
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