All of my life I have known that I have been missing something. It is my time in the Garden. I am not meant to be here. My feet are meant to be grounded in the lush, dark chocolate soil of the first Garden. (Yes, I think Heaven on Earth is dark chocolate soil. Literally. YUM. :) )
So what am I doing here?!?!
Last night I realized that as much as I struggle with being here, outside of the Garden, the best thing about being here is knowing that I am not meant to be here. That somehow makes being here this wildly exhilarating, agitating journey. I am on an adventure of the worst and best kind. A gut-wrenching adventure that squeezes joy out of me with barbed tentacles, like the ones pictured in the art included in this post. This the kind of journey that can only happen on the inside. So bizarre. What a crazy paradox. It is life-altering and life-enriching. And I can go on because of it. Even on the days when I think I can not go on.
For the most part, I think that I cannot go on everyday. Facing mental and physical health issues and the reality of the shame that is both the antagonist and by-product of these issues, leaves me feeling like I need to have the heaviness of depression wrung out of me each morning. I do not have the strength to do it. Most mornings I want to stay in bed.
But then I think "I don't want to miss what might happen next". This trek is far better than the one I heard about growing up. As a kid, I heard people talk about heading toward their heavenly home. I didn't think that sounded like it was worth much when things were so hard here. I wished we could just cut to the chase and be done with it. I still wish that. But the fact that I get to experience some of what Heaven will be like here on earth as I walk the reality of this journey with God, makes it worth it.
One final thought: I think God likes to make chocolate mud pies. Sometimes I think He is giving me a taste of them here on Earth. Can't wait to eat them everyday!
Oh, about the art.....see the next blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment