Figuratively speaking, I have been frantically running around God's Garden for hundreds of years. Emotional wandering seems like it is measured in dog years. The length of years are multiplied by seven, at least. I am only fifty and I am exhausted.
I have been digging under trees. Tearing up flower beds. Ripping up shrubs and bushes. Beating the trunks of great old trees with my fists. Trying to get God to bend and say He is sorry for the pain He caused. To say He is sorry that he screwed up and allowed this fragile children to be caught in this mess. I have screamed painful questions at God. "Where are You? Do you think this is funny? How can you say you love me and then allow all of this pain and suffering? What is wrong with you? How can you be good? And at the rock bottom shame of my pain: "How can I be good if these are the questions I keep asking you? What is wrong with me?"
Today, as I wrote in my journal about some of the most painful parts of my life, something was unleashed. I felt a little like I could run free in the Garden without so much fear and angst. I don't have to rush around looking for God, destroying His garden in an effort to get Him to rethink His plan for humankind. In the middle of writing about the pain, hoping for the tenderness of redemption to seep into it, I realized that God did not wake up one day and say "Hey, I think I will bring pain and darkness into my beautiful Garden. I will allow horrible suffering on the part of my children." With great sorrow and out of a deep well of love, I think what He said was, "Today, I give my children the freedom to choose."
And so today, I choose. To rest in the redemption that followed choice.
About the art: On the whole, this watercolor is a picture of the struggle I have had trying to take control of God's plan and "run the Garden". One small part of the painting reveals the beautiful outcome of knowing God intimately in the middle of being honest with him about my pain. This is evidenced in the flowing lines of my princess gown. Everday, God fashions more of this gown. I am truly beautiful. Created by God's hands. Even in the middle of ugly pain.
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